WHAT ABOUT SEX?

“Will this relationship last? Or not?
Do I even want it to?
Why do I feel the way I do?”

• Do you remember why you decided to have sex with that first person?
• How do you feel about the relationship you are in right now?
• Is sex what you hoped it would be, or not?

If you begin having sex while in your teens…
your feelings about sex and what is expected, are usually ambivalent, meaning that you have strong feelings that pull you in opposite directions! Seldom does a relationship at that time have a secure beginning. You may wonder how long the relationship will last. You may wonder if the sex is just a sideline for a good time or if the person really cares about you that much.

All this ambivalence leads to a change in self-identity.
Sex is something pretty special to give to another person, and you will find that being a part of an insecure sexual relationship will change your sexual attitudes, and you will begin to see yourself differently. If sex becomes something less than special, you may begin to wonder, “Am I special?” “Am I only liked because I am willing to have sex with the other person?” “Would I still be dating this person if we were not having sex?”

Once sex becomes the norm…
something dies inside with every successive partner. You will find yourself putting up walls so that you will not be so vulnerable if there is another breakup in the future. Sex treated this casually in relationships that are uncertain leads to much emotional pain and heartache in the long run.

No one likes being a part of disposable relationships where nothing is really secure. They don’t make condoms for the heart.

So now what?
There is a BIG truth you need to understand:

When sex is involved in a relationship, it makes it harder to break up.
Whether you realize it or not, you become bonded to sexual partners. Relationships that involve sex often last longer than they would have if sex had not been involved! Sex can cloud many issues!

Answer this truthfully:

“How do you really feel about the dating relationship you are in now?”
(Don’t go by wishful thinking…Go by what is real for you now.)
Your answer will tell you how your heart really feels and what is right for you to do. Once again, remember…our choices always affect our future.
Are you feeling good about where your future is headed?

Ask yourself another question. “If we stop having sex, will we still like each other as much? Would we keep dating to see if we are still right for each other?”

If the answer is no, then ask yourself why you are dating this person at all. Is sex an emotional need? Are you using the other person? Are you being used? Are you interested at all in commitment to this person for the long haul? If not, sex should not be in the picture at all. This is where we get all the “disposable relationships” we see all around us.

No one can have any measure of self-worth if he/she are always a part of disposable relationships where walls are built to protect him/her from hurt and where rejection and resentment are always just around the corner!

All the sex in the world is not worth that kind of a price tag! It’s time to realize that YOU are worth more than that!!!!

Stages in a healthy relationship look like this:

• Attraction toward one another.
• Friendship.
• Dating.
• Taking things slowly.
• Getting to really know one another’s likes and dislikes, values and value systems.
• Getting to know each other’s friends and family.
• Getting to know each other’s interests.
• Do you have enough in common by now to see if the relationship grows further?

If so, continue to take things slowly:

• No sex! Remember, having sex with dating partners is not practicing for marriage, it is practicing for divorce.
• Enjoy minimal physical touches: hand-holding, light kissing, arms around each other, hugs, looking into each other's eyes. Enjoy the chemistry without the sex.
• Have you had any fights yet? Even when disagreeing, each should remain respectful of the other person.
• Have you discovered each other’s faults? Can you live with them? In other words, are you able to accept the other person, faults, and all without trying to change one another?
• Have you found out whether or not each of you has the same values upon which to grow your relationship? Do you have similar goals in life, similar objectives?
• Do you find yourself growing together more, or are you finding too many differences in your lives to really make a relationship strong and secure? Break ups do not have to be devastating if/when you discover together that you do not have enough in common to make a commitment work.
• Do you have a spiritual bond with each other—do you have a similar faith background to see you through the rough times as well as the good times?

All of the above will give you a good foundation for a lasting relationship.
Remember, it takes time to discover all these things about each other. If you enter into a sexual bond before a marriage commitment, you will not have the closeness in other areas that will be very important for a solid foundation. Statistics have proven this, time and time again.

Don’t settle for second best… This is YOUR LIFE we are talking about.
Go for the Gold! You are worth it!

The next page will help you think about where you might want some changes in your life so that you can feel better about yourself and your choices